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Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that all of the worlds’ problems can be solved thanks to one new product on the market. And the product is, in fact, a sandwich. But not just any sandwich.

What’s the only sandwich that can stop world hunger, save the rainforests, build New Orleans ABOVE sea level, AND make you more attractive?

The Oscar Mayer Carving Board Turkey AND Carving Board Ham sandwich.

I know… the best turkey sandwiches you’ve ever had are enjoyed on the days following Thanksgiving. Same with the ham sandwiches being the best right after Christmas. But the turkey never lasts until the end of December. And the Ham certainly doesn’t last until next November.

But Oscar Mayer has made it possible to have these delicious carving board-style sandwiches all year long… meaning you can NOW combine the delicious meats into the greatest sandwich ever. 

I had one today. so trust me.

It’s the delicious taste of home-sliced meats, without the mess of slicing it at home.

(Oscar Mayer in no way compensated me for my opinions, but looking back, they probably should have.)

So at the house, we’re in the middle of doing laundry. Towels are dirty, therefore they must be washed. The only other towel in the house that fits my large frame (6’3″ and… let’s just say “rotund”) is a beach towel that was given to me from some jackwagons after their trip to Florida. The towel is from Univeral Studios and apparently from the “Marvel” region.

The point is, I’m not sure how comfortable I am with Spiderman’s face at my crotch when I’m trying to dry off after my shower. It’d be a different story if it were Gwen Stacy.

ps – who the hell gives a beach towel? I’ll tell you who – douche bags.